holissss

**acá voy a compartir algunos de mis poemas, y aveces sera en ingles otras veces tal vez en español...**

04-17-26 (2:22pm)

my experience as a human so far removed from others

many things alike yet never do they all fit

i twist and turn

i reach a finger through my ear

swirl my brain to a different shape

im still not the same, like them

i dont understand the way you say you want to be my friend

but never invite me to your birthday

i dont get it when my boss dangles a promotion

yet i can read all over their face ill never be granted it

do you think me a fool

a weirdo

maybe something more painful that i refuse to write

do i confuse you

do i intimidate you

i dont mean to coerce you

this is just who i am

i dont do things how you do them

i dont see the world how you see it

i feel things a lot more

and like humans a lot less

the patterns in our everyday life seem so obvious

and it frustrates me when i point it out and others deny the truth

do you understand me

i seek to be understood

i ask the man

i ask the woman

i ask a mom

i ask a “friend”

no matter how many skirts i tug

im still the kid who cant find a familiar face

im still that little girl who couldnt find her classroom

on her first day of school in america

im still the teen who only ever sat with one or two other people at lunch

im still the high schooler who had no close relationship with any of the teachers

like the cool girls did

im still the middle schooler whose science project was the only one that looked like it was done by a middle schooler

staring at the brightly lit, cricuit cut letters on all the other boards around me

jealousy raging at the pit of my stomach that i didnt have a parent to do the work for me like them

i am still the adult who entered the work force to survive

abandoning a scholarship in anger again because my parents weren't rich enough to close the gap

and too self centered to realize i had to be the one who sacrificed because of them

i am still the girl who signed the letter that the other girls in the office wrote to diss my big sister

i am still the girl who was so angry at my sister for being mean to me

and by mean i mean not giving me special treatment the one time i had the chance to get it

i still feel the rage in the pit of my stomach

i still feel the anguish in my chest

that big squishy snotty spiky ball that seems to never go away

i still feel the clench of my jaw tight as a bear trap shutting around the animals ankles

i still feel the confusion of realizing that as 7 year old

i had to dumb myself down so the adults wouldnt get mad at my questions

i am still confused about everything that happened from 5 years old to about 29

i still am a ball of anxiety

and depression

i still am struggling to find somewhere in the corner to stand long enough to figure it out

but i think the room might be round

can you cover me while i think

while i yearn

while i pray

while i learn

cause maybe you grew up under the cover

of money

of love

of someone to advocate for you

but i was born under anguish

i was born under indigence and deprivation

i was born under violence indifference and neglect

so im sorry if i am quick to anger

so im sorry if i take advantage of an opportunity to have fun too quickly

so im sorry if i dont reply to that email from my boss

the world burns all around me

children scream at my feet

men fall apart in droves

women beg to be spared from violence

so ill go ahead and eat whatever i want

and i will be myself everyday that i can

ill take the vacation without PTO

and spend my rent money on food and fun for all my friends

my frame of reference is a little different than yours

and i accepted that youll never understand

some have come very close

but in the end i just have me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im a certified lovergirl/yearner so for me that means I have 0 chill when i crush on someone

********************

23.10.25

One time I fell in love

And I fell

And I fell

And fell

And I hit my head

And I skinned my knee

And I hoped you’d still like me

And I fell

But this time I knew

I was falling

And it hurt, I bled

I cracked my head open

And my chest burst

And my knees cracked left and right

My jaw was dislocated

And my shoulder hurt real bad

And I loved you

And I ripped my heart off

And I handed it to you

Bloody and beaten

and you took it

And it seemed normal

And I thought this was love

And I bled and my head hurt

And one day someone asked me

Why I was doing it anymore

And I looked at myself

For the first time in a long time

And I was bloody and a shell of a human

And I burst into tears

And I didn’t have words

So I gathered my skin scraps

And my blood bag

And my oxygen tank

And I dragged my leg

And my intestines

And snatched my heart back with an angry look

And I even felt guilty about the angry look

And I left

And you yelled

And you said I was wrong

And maybe I was

Of that im still unsure

And I’ll never know

But now my intestines are back inside

And my heads not cracked

And my knees bend the right way

And inside my head is still jumbly

And I still feel wobbly

And im not sure what love is.

- abusive relationship

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is one I wrote about sisters back in April cause my family is really messed up and if you knew that I never took anything for granted well this will be a bit of an insight,

cause one time I waited at the airport for 4 hrs before my mom picked me up, even tho she was the one who asked me to come visit

nobody answered the phone and then I never wanted to visit again

but now I don't talk to my mom and life is better I guess

in some ways

so I wrote this after I beat my fears/PTSD about visiting home and I was overcome with joy at the fact that someone gave a shit enough about me to come get me.. and on time!

...

my big sister picked me up!

from the airport when I visited her

she picked up the phone when I needed her

she picked me up from school when I was little

my sister picked me up

she was there on time

she even parked the car so we didn't have to

rush away or have trouble finding each other

she picked me up and gave me a hug

she was excited to see me

she picked me up and when we got to her house

she had clean sheets and towels for me

my sister picked me up!!!

----------------------

no te quiero a ti

ni tu me quieres a mi

solo busco satisfacción en tu carne

las ganas de ti quiero sacarme

quiero verte pero solo por oír tus gemidos

y dime

a ti te gustan los mios?

me maquillo para sentirme bien perra

mi calentura se aferra

me dices <<lo haces muy bien>>

ahora me siento al cien

aterrize en tus sueños?

sera que quieres ser mi dueño?

esta noche te mando un mensaje

a ver si es buen tiempo para un encaje

si ahora te quiero a ti

sin duda me quieres a mi

—-

12-29-25

You didnt know

That night

How i felt

When tequila hung thick in the air

The red lights beaming off your cheery cheeks

“What can i get you” sung from your mouth

We walked along the dark sidewalk

Toward that shop that stole your freedom

And opened the door to my memory

I knew in some way

What you had for me

I was ready for it mentally

The tiny box

The frosted glass rose

The scent of a mother

Kenzo by kenzo from ‘95

Discontinued

Much like the comfort it used to bring

Snuggled upon the bosom

Of a fantasy yet to be destroyed

The comfort of a child

Shortly thereafter

Reality hits

And i am all alone

But when i open that tiny bottle

When i sniff the stinging perfume

I am back in fantasy for a moment

Life gives and it takes away

Or perhaps we believe we have

Somethings we never really did

-*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*-

I can't convince myself

That you deserve anymore grace

Than what i have already given

Your life was infinitely difficult

But whose fault is that

How do i know

When you wouldn't talk about it

When its always a secret

When my empathy has ran out

Maybe that's what turned you into

The person you are now

And i hope it doesnt happen to me

Or were you always like this

And thats the cause of this life

Was it the chicken or the egg

The narcissist or the immigrant

That came first

Either way

You've hurt me in ways that can't be remedied

For that ive already mourned you

We will never speak again.

-mom

-------

01-02-26

Who am i

There is no self made man

It does not exist

I am an accumulation of experiences

Thoughts

Fragrances

Kindnesses and

heartbreaks

I am reading the book emma recommended

I eat my ramen how Kayla said she makes hers

I wear this eyeliner because Sarah showed it to me

I think and interpret things how my big sister taught me to

I wear these jeans because a girl on instagram thought they were cool

I drink diet coke because my best friend lucas got me onto it

I say funny things unironically because a collection of middle schoolers says them all the time and im a jerk who likes to make fun of kids as a 30 year old (its funny i swear)

I got a mullet because all the other gay people are doing it

I just want hot people to think im hot and cool and interesting

I started cooking because my big sister liked to cook when i was little

I want to learn to sew because a friend of mine is a fashion designer

My grandmother was a seamstress for 30 years as well

I am writing a book with my sister because my coworker did it with her sister

I am everyone ive ever met

I am a stunning mosaic of people

I am an alien in a human suit

I learned from you you and you

I took that one for me

Im keeping that other one for later

Ive been inspired

Heartbroken

Loved more than anyone else

Chosen and

Discarded

Ive skinned my knees and gotten back up

Ive been married and divorced

Ive bought a house and a car

I sold the house and crashed the car

Ive moved to a new state

I adopted a dog

I watched my cat die

I watched my dog die

I buried salami blue (my hermit crab from the mall)

I had the pink and purple barbie dreamhouse with the elevator

Sometimes i had nothing to play with

Ive had dreams realized

Ive felt the euphoria of being successful in something that used to be only an idea

Many times

I have given up and failed

I thought i was pregnant once

I took a plan b for $70 and didnt even ask him for any of that

I had a threesome

Deleted my social media bc of my mental

Fell asleep with my dog in the bed

I thought about my exes

I even texted them before

Then i blocked them before i knew if they ever replied

I ranted on the internet

I was a jerk to some people

And gave a houseless person all my cash before

I was gifted a car by an old friend

I cussed out my dad and cut off my mom

Even after i spent countless hours and dollars on trying to love them both

All of these things were because of someone who

Encouraged me to make mistakes to live my life

And ive never had an original experience in my life

In a lot of ways that feels safe

I hope that makes sense to you

If not maybe you think about it and ill become a part of you

Then youll write a poem like mine

And say that you wrote it because

You heard this one tonight

<3