# holissss

**acá voy a compartir algunos de mis poemas, y aveces sera en ingles otras veces tal vez en español...**

04-17-26 (2:22pm)

my experience as a human so far removed from others
many things alike yet never do they all fit
i twist and turn
i reach a finger through my ear
swirl my brain to a different shape
im still not the same, like them

i dont understand the way you say you want to be my friend
but never invite me to your birthday
i dont get it when my boss dangles a promotion
yet i can read all over their face ill never be granted it

do you think me a fool
a weirdo
maybe something more painful that i refuse to write

do i confuse you
do i intimidate you
i dont mean to coerce you
this is just who i am

i dont do things how you do them
i dont see the world how you see it
i feel things a lot more
and like humans a lot less

the patterns in our everyday life seem so obvious
and it frustrates me when i point it out and others deny the truth
do you understand me
i seek to be understood

i ask the man
i ask the woman
i ask a mom
i ask a “friend”

no matter how many skirts i tug
im still the kid who cant find a familiar face
im still that little girl who couldnt find her classroom
on her first day of school in america

im still the teen who only ever sat with one or two other people at lunch
im still the high schooler who had no close relationship with any of the teachers
like the cool girls did
im still the middle schooler whose science project was the only one that looked like it was done by a middle schooler
staring at the brightly lit, cricuit cut letters on all the other boards around me
jealousy raging at the pit of my stomach that i didnt have a parent to do the work for me like them 

i am still the adult who entered the work force to survive
abandoning a scholarship in anger again because my parents weren't rich enough to close the gap
and too self centered to realize i had to be the one who sacrificed because of them

i am still the girl who signed the letter that the other girls in the office wrote to diss my big sister
i am still the girl who was so angry at my sister for being mean to me
and by mean i mean not giving me special treatment the one time i had the chance to get it

i still feel the rage in the pit of my stomach 
i still feel the anguish in my chest
that big squishy snotty spiky ball that seems to never go away
i still feel the clench of my jaw tight as a bear trap shutting around the animals ankles

i still feel the confusion of realizing that as 7 year old 
i had to dumb myself down so the adults wouldnt get mad at my questions
i am still confused about everything that happened from 5 years old to about 29

i still am a ball of anxiety 
and depression
i still am struggling to find somewhere in the corner to stand long enough to figure it out
but i think the room might be round

can you cover me while i think
while i yearn
while i pray
while i learn 

cause maybe you grew up under the cover
of money
of love
of someone to advocate for you

but i was born under anguish
i was born under indigence and deprivation
i was born under violence indifference and neglect

so im sorry if i am quick to anger
so im sorry if i take advantage of an opportunity to have fun too quickly
so im sorry if i dont reply to that email from my boss

the world burns all around me
children scream at my feet
men fall apart in droves
women beg to be spared from violence

so ill go ahead and eat whatever i want
and i will be myself everyday that i can
ill take the vacation without PTO
and spend my rent money on food and fun for all my friends 

my frame of reference is a little different than yours
and i accepted that youll never understand
some have come very close

but in the end i just have me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im a certified lovergirl/yearner so for me that means I have 0 chill when i crush on someone

********************
23.10.25

One time I fell in love

And I fell
And I fell 
And fell

And I hit my head
And I skinned my knee
And I hoped you’d still like me

And I fell
But this time I knew 
I was falling 

And it hurt, I bled
I cracked my head open 
And my chest burst
And my knees cracked left and right 

My jaw was dislocated 
And my shoulder hurt real bad
And I loved you 

And I ripped my heart off 
And I handed it to you
Bloody and beaten 
and you took it

And it seemed normal
And I thought this was love
And I bled and my head hurt

And one day someone asked me
Why I was doing it anymore
And I looked at myself 
For the first time in a long time 

And I was bloody and a shell of a human 
And I burst into tears
And I didn’t have words

So I gathered my skin scraps
And my blood bag
And my oxygen tank 

And I dragged my leg
And my intestines
And snatched my heart back with an angry look
And I even felt guilty about the angry look 

And I left
And you yelled 
And you said I was wrong 

And maybe I was
Of that im still unsure 

And I’ll never know

But now my intestines are back inside 
And my heads not cracked 
And my knees bend the right way

And inside my head is still jumbly 
And I still feel wobbly 
And im not sure what love is.

- abusive relationship
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

### this is one I wrote about sisters back in April cause my family is really messed up and if you knew that I never took anything for granted well this will be a bit of an insight,
cause one time I waited at the airport for 4 hrs before my mom picked me up, even tho she was the one who asked me to come visit

nobody answered the phone and then I never wanted to visit again
but now I don't talk to my mom and life is better I guess
in some ways

so I wrote this after I beat my fears/PTSD about visiting home and I was overcome with joy at the fact that someone gave a shit enough about me to come get me.. and on time!
...
my big sister picked me up!

from the airport when I visited her
she picked up the phone when I needed her
she picked me up from school when I was little

my sister picked me up
she was there on time
she even parked the car so we didn't have to
rush away or have trouble finding each other

she picked me up and gave me a hug
she was excited to see me

she picked me up and when we got to her house
she had clean sheets and towels for me

my sister picked me up!!!

----------------------

no te quiero a ti 
ni tu me quieres a mi

solo busco satisfacción en tu carne
las ganas de ti quiero sacarme

quiero verte pero solo por oír tus gemidos
y dime
a ti te gustan los mios?

me maquillo para sentirme bien perra
mi calentura se aferra

me dices <<lo haces muy bien>>
ahora me siento al cien

aterrize en tus sueños?
sera que quieres ser mi dueño?

esta noche te mando un mensaje
a ver si es buen tiempo para un encaje

si ahora te quiero a ti
sin duda me quieres a mi
—-

12-29-25

You didnt know
That night
How i felt

When tequila hung thick in the air
The red lights beaming off your cheery cheeks
“What can i get you” sung from your mouth

We walked along the dark sidewalk
Toward that shop that stole your freedom
And opened the door to my memory

I knew in some way 
What you had for me
I was ready for it mentally

The tiny box
The frosted glass rose
The scent of a mother

Kenzo by kenzo from ‘95
Discontinued 
Much like the comfort it used to bring

Snuggled upon the bosom
Of a fantasy yet to be destroyed
The comfort of a child

Shortly thereafter 
Reality hits
And i am all alone

But when i open that tiny bottle
When i sniff the stinging perfume
I am back in fantasy for a moment

Life gives and it takes away
Or perhaps we believe we have
Somethings we never really did

-*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*-

I can't convince myself
That you deserve anymore grace
Than what i have already given

Your life was infinitely difficult
But whose fault is that
How do i know

When you wouldn't talk about it
When its always a secret
When my empathy has ran out

Maybe that's what turned you into
The person you are now
And i hope it doesnt happen to me

Or were you always like this
And thats the cause of this life

Was it the chicken or the egg
The narcissist or the immigrant
That came first

Either way
You've hurt me in ways that can't be remedied
For that ive already mourned you

We will never speak again.

-mom

-------
01-02-26

Who am i 
There is no self made man
It does not exist

I am an accumulation of experiences
Thoughts
Fragrances
Kindnesses and 
heartbreaks

I am reading the book emma recommended
I eat my ramen how Kayla said she makes hers
I wear this eyeliner because Sarah showed it to me

I think and interpret things how my big sister taught me to
I wear these jeans because a girl on instagram thought they were cool
I drink diet coke because my best friend lucas got me onto it

I say funny things unironically because a collection of middle schoolers says them all the time and im a jerk who likes to make fun of kids as a 30 year old (its funny i swear)

I got a mullet because all the other gay people are doing it 
I just want hot people to think im hot and cool and interesting
I started cooking because my big sister liked to cook when i was little

I want to learn to sew because a friend of mine is a fashion designer
My grandmother was a seamstress for 30 years as well
I am writing a book with my sister because my coworker did it with her sister

I am everyone ive ever met 
I am a stunning mosaic of people
I am an alien in a human suit

I learned from you you and you
I took that one for me
Im keeping that other one for later

Ive been inspired
Heartbroken
Loved more than anyone else
Chosen and 
Discarded

Ive skinned my knees and gotten back up
Ive been married and divorced
Ive bought a house and a car

I sold the house and crashed the car
Ive moved to a new state
I adopted a dog 

I watched my cat die 
I watched my dog die
I buried salami blue (my hermit crab from the mall)

I had the pink and purple barbie dreamhouse with the elevator
Sometimes i had nothing to play with

Ive had dreams realized 
Ive felt the euphoria of being successful in something that used to be only an idea
Many times

I have given up and failed 
I thought i was pregnant once 
I took a plan b for $70 and didnt even ask him for any of that

I had a threesome 
Deleted my social media bc of my mental 
Fell asleep with my dog in the bed

I thought about my exes
I even texted them before
Then i blocked them before i knew if they ever replied

I ranted on the internet
I was a jerk to some people
And gave a houseless person all my cash before

I was gifted a car by an old friend
I cussed out my dad and cut off my mom
Even after i spent countless hours and dollars on trying to love them both

All of these things were because of someone who 
Encouraged me to make mistakes to live my life
And ive never had an original experience in my life

In a lot of ways that feels safe
I hope that makes sense to you
If not maybe you think about it and ill become a part of you

Then youll write a poem like mine
And say that you wrote it because
You heard this one tonight
<3