08-26-26 or maybe since im in South America now I should follow their date format 26-08-26

anyways coming at you from lima peru folks.

I just completed the second leg of my travel, the longest flight which was from Atlanta to here. my next and last flight leaves here around 12:40, and its like 4-5 hrs I think I don't actually want to look bc I have to mentally keep myself from being too aware of time until I get to Mendoza.

I had such a beautiful last few days in the lou

friends surrounded me and wrote me sweet notes, spent time with me every second that we could! I am so grateful for u guys

and as I was telling bigassbug on my last night, ironically the people who will prob miss me the most are the reason behind me taking this giant leap in my life

if I didn't have people telling me that they are proud of me, they love me, and they believe in me, I don't know that I would have ever gotten the courage to do what im doing

I miss you all already and I love you so much

you hoes better come visit sometime. I will be back in a few years, I want to try to at least get halfway through my degree before I take a break and go back around the US to visit.

that's not set in stone tho maybe ill get homesick sooner or something

ok bye

08-18-26

yooo fam im actually leaving in a week wtf.

feeling so much grief tbh.

07-31-26

well chat,

here I am. less than a month away from my life changing move out of the country. next week is my last week of work. I have so many incredible things to look forward to. I am literally excited for everything

before I leave I am doing a road trip to NOLA with my bestie, I get to see my grandma at the end of the month who I have not seen in person for about 8 years! I will get to hang out with my cousin who I haven't seen since I was 16.

I think I will have so many feelings

its so strange being in this life in the way that I am in it

I will never have all my friends and family in one place. they are about a 20 hour travel time apart and I will be the only one to ever travel back and forth (except for the exception of a few people, maybe) but for the most part, yeah, just me

I am going to apply to work at the autistic lesbian horse farm in the andes for a month, unless I can find a cool chef job somewhere for a month instead I think that's the only thing that would top that experience for me. especially bc I would get my own guest house

perhaps ill take up needle point or crocheting or something bc I doubt there is internet out there, and either way I want to be more present. that is a huge part of what all of this is about.

I secured my tickets for christ the redeemer and Machu Picchu (which I scored a 6am sunrise hike ticket there WOAH)

anyways besides all the physical things that happen when you leave your entire life behind and start over, there are so many emotional and body feelings too.. I guess we shall see how my body does with that

im hoping to gain the following:

-unforgettable experiences

-new friends from all over the world

-self-discovery

-enhance my skills to think on my feet

-problem solving

-realllllyyyy hoping to cook with some locals either at restaurants or their homes in each country that I visit

ok bye love u

07-09-26

I have been betrayed guys

my work "bestie" or at least I thought she was,

told my boss I am leaving

so I was not ready to put in my notice but I went ahead and did it since they asked me if it was true. my final day is august 7th as long as they don't replace me faster than that.

weird but its whatever.

the day gets closer and closer :)

07-07-26

guys how do u keep working and caring about ur work when u r leaving it and never going back? tips accepted

I purchased a massage for myself but its like so hard to book bc nobody is answering and their online platform for booking SUCKS

looking at trips on groupon is one of my favorite hobbies I might actually take one at some point

so sleepy cos I haven't been able to sleep until like 1am most nights

ok love u bye

06-30-26

ok last day of June

do you think all my coworkers know that I read lesbian comics at work all day instead of doing work stuff?

I reactivated my TikTok and making content can feel so cringe but I don't care I don't care I don't care bc being cringe is being free

I am learning a lot and trying to make it my hyper focus cos I wanna make stuff that fun and interesting :D

ummmm the closer I get to moving, the much much harder it is to care at all about working

I don't mind coming here, I like my coworkers they are nice and funny. even my boss is mostly ok.

I had my review and got a raise last week which won't even go into effect until after I am gone...

I can't wait to be on adventures all day everyday for a while. ive never stayed at a hostel and these will be my first experiences doing so. I keep thinking about all the fun awesome stuff I am going to do.

ok love u bye

06-17-26

feeling so good today

tomorrow is Thursday and friday im off bc the district is closed for Juneteenth (beautiful)

dentist appointment bc im trying to do every appointment before my insurance is over when I quit my job soon (WOOHOO)

today is actually my one year review of my job, my boss told me yesterday she would zoom me later to go over it bc she's actually on vacation as of yesterday at 4pm

she did tell me it was all good stuff so thankfully I am not anxious about it

started packing got all my clothes and shoes together for vacation

still gotta add

-swimming attire

-toiletries/makeup

-accessories

-probably a bunch of stuff im forgetting bc I actually hate packing

yesterday I was thinking that if there was a business where someone could pack my stuff for me before a trip I would absolutely pay for that service

imagine someone comes to your house, washes all the clothes you want to take, folds it up all neatly and has a checklist and everything like they check the weather where you are going etc... seriously I would pay for that

chocolate chip cookies and espresso for breakfast

didn't have a single espresso martini last weekend, and now I feel I am really missing it so ill probably get one tomorrow

tonight, im gonna chill and relax do my errands and final getting ready stuff before I head to Mexico

can't wait for my feet to be in that nice warm soft Cancun sand

love uuuu

06-15-26

work is boring, so im reading the entirety of dykes to watch out for on archive.org --> check it out if u haven't already

vacation loading for Saturday.

being cringey

not sure how well im doing but im gonna keep trying

very sleepy in my cubicle

why did we make life be like this?

30 more minutes

love u

06-12-26

some things I love

I love the library, I love public transport, I love the earth

I love transgender people and queers

I love fags and dykes

I love abortion, I love welfare

I love universal healthcare and free education

I love community

I love food and cooking for people

I love you!

I love Fridays :)

06-11-26

so I guess me moving is like a full circle moment, bc my mom moved to the US when she was 31 for a better life, and now im moving to Argentina at 31 for a better life.

:) how funny is that

she also ran away with her boyfriend when she was 16 and I did the same thing with my first girlfriend when I was 16

is this genetics??

06-10-26

10 days until I am on the beach in Cancun with the lesbians (oh and my family)

77 days until I begin my backpacking trip and subsequently begin living somewhere that is not north america and my whole entire life is completely different

ok no big deal im so chill ab it all its all so cool and im fine everything is fine I got this

06-09-26

update im at work and its not that bad

--

putting an end to things that don't serve you *does* get easier over time, but some things never become easier. some feelings are a lot harder to reconcile with.

06-08-26

called off work for today. Mondays feel a lot so much better when im not at work

why do I always hate work so much always

no matter what the job is or who is there or how easy it is, ive always hated it and struggled so freaking much to keep a job regularly.

I always still did it, bc the threat of going hungry and not having a home push me to do this. what a freaking joke

anyways im grumpy bc now I do have to def go to work tomorrow.

sadly

I am thankful to have a job that gets me the things I need to be able to survive but the best part about moving and traveling and all the big life plans I have made for the very near future is quitting my job. I can't freaking wait to give that notice and to be able to finally have a day that is the last day!!!

ok love u bye

06-02-26

feeling so extremely overwhelmed

06-01-26

happy pride, gays.

05-12-26

felt bad yesterday

did t shot

feel good today

05-11-26

hi flounder, im back to post more stuff that I probably shouldn't publicly post about on the internet

this past Sunday was mothers day

an interesting time in the life of someone like me who does not speak to their womb donor

my mother is a particular person, I believe she may have several undiagnosed mental illnesses, and, as I get older and work in education I genuinely have been wondering about her skill regression and perhaps learning disabilities/ developmental delays that could have affected her and still do to this day

sadly the combination of these things made for a torturous childhood for both my sister and I

when I first went no contact with her, and mothers day would roll around i spend my day grieving and being so so angry that I never got to have a caring loving mother who wanted the best for me

I have to say, ive led a pretty good life for having to figure things out on my own

I have purchased homes, vehicles, created a career for myself, found love more than once, moved wherever I want to live and so on.. I care for myself just fine but I guess that I started having to do that at such a young age by the time I hit my 20s I was more than good at it

there is one mother that I honor on mothers day and that is my older sister. she is really the only mother-like figure ive had in my life consistently, so I sent her flowers and cake on this special day

my sister really paved the way for me as I was growing up and I will be eternally grateful for her

these days, that Sunday is just another weekend. I don't cry about it anymore, yes of course I feel sad sometimes and there are traces of feelings that probably will never go away completely but just dull over time

a mother I will never have, and a mother I will never be.

xoxo

05-04-26

six flags yesterday

teacher appreciation week

yadda yadda

wanna kiss pretty girls but got my lip pierced so now I gotta wait

why is the world so cruel

love my life though

love you too <3

05-01-26

its may and its friday!

gonna hit up Texas Roadhouse with the homie tn and pick out some yarn.

wild friday night bois amirite

excited to be done with work today bc I have so many fun plans this weekend.

<333

***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***

04-30-26

I WANNA GO HOME

WORKING IS HORRIBLE I HATE IT

I say as I sit at my desk eating snacks and scrolling TikTok

but I should be outside frolicking and kissing hot girls u guys :(

04-28-26

things nobody tells u about being on testosterone

bottom growth happens fast in the beginning for me, and things get so sensitive

might have to give up my favorite pair of dickies bc they squeeze the ever living crap out of my crotch now

I mean as a cis girl they were already not the most comfy but I guess its time to find new black dickies.

also did u know that ur feet can grow when ur on t? that's something else nobody ever told me. if I have to buy all new shoes ill be so excited but also very poor. and sad bc I do have some irreplaceable pairs that are my size at the moment.

ok thanks for reading about my dick.

bye

04-27-26

ok its Monday again

meeting w boss abt my project that I wish I could abandon atp

coffffeeeee

big hike yesterday with my pals was awesome

reminded me I need to work out more

new glasses!!! more cute outfit potential

ok have a good week love u bye

04-24-26

its finally friday

rainy and gloomy

Sofia did NOT want to potty outside today but she did

what a good pup

working, big boss not here so idk if I will actually do anything today

preferably not tbh

feeling very meh

I want to get stronger if anyone has any tips

ok love u guys <3

04-22-26

reading Maya Angelou and thinking about how her writing is so captivating

im learning a lot of new words and paying attention to the way her words flow and how I feel when I read them

I realized a lot of my favorite things are things that make me feel stuff

food

reading

writing

when I was a little younger I was such an adrenaline junkie.

not much has changed im just a little more scared these days

fear is a protector if you don't let it take over

I love youuuuuuuuuuu

have a good day

tomorrow is Thursday finally. which makes the next day friday YA

04-21-26

still on my banana bread kick

my other fave breakfast is aldis honey greek yogurt omg

life feels good lately, the weather has been pretty nice which is great

yesterday I went to art hill with a new friend and got so high I went nonverbal (lets go 420)

reminded me of this one time in my early 20s when I went to a 420 party. it was during the week too, and the host passed out assignments for food. 50% of the food to be infused and the other 50% just normal so we could eat it without getting too high. well since were all fucking stoners, the people who were supposed to bring food without weed fucked it up and brought weed food.

I get to the party, it's at a loft downtown. I meet the people, we're mingling, we're smoking', we're chilling with a stupid stoner movie and chatting. I get the munchies I go up and get some rotel dip. omg it's so freaking good. I have like 4 more bowls. I feel super duper high.

I had brought a really cute 420 cake it was green and had snoop dogg on the top. I blended some vanilla oreos with green food coloring so it looked like weed and crumbled it around the top and bottom of the cake. it had a big "happy 420" on it.

fast forward to the next morning, I used to work for Fedex. I wake up at my normal time (4:30am) to get to my shift at 5:45. the room is spinning, I am so fucking high I don't even know what the fuck to do. I check my phone and the letters are dancing around. I think to myself "I can't fucking drive a Fedex truck rn" I see a text from the host of the party - "hey we accidentally all brought infused food so if u still feel high that's probably why" FUUUUUUUUck

anyways I ended up calling in sick to work. that's the one and only time ive really greened out.

happy belated 420.

04-20-26

had more of a chill weekend.

only went out one night

processing lots of things

James being with me Sunday that was so nice, shoutout James love u

back to work, not much to do

reading book

<3

04-17-26

banana bread for breakfast

brought my lunch today

don't wanna work

starting a new book in the middle of the last one I was reading

-

I wrote some poetry this month yes, but not much

im so excited for tn to spend some time with my friends and decompress

anytime I get annoyed I just think about my vacation coming in june

and then I think about my big move™

04-16-26

ok guys I did it *rips band aid off*

it was weird but at least its over.

I will be at night owl on friday come say hi

love u

<3

04-15-26

another day being a stand on business ass bitch

its tough work but someones gotta do it

04-14-26

fia to the vet today to check her health points

got to work a lil late on the one day apparently everyone was looking for me while I was gone (idk why im not that important here)

therapy today, so glad, lots of feelings

ok go be weird!!

love u

--

yoooo what happened to all the OG flounderers :(

04-13-26

went to a kick ass classical guitar jazz show with petthecat on friday and then had some yummy drinks and food at platy together

the rest of my weekend was very chill

I rearranged my bedroom and it's so much more open and nice now, so much room for activities. I wish I had figured out this configuration a long time ago!

today I work lots, I gotta stay late (eeeyuckkk) and I have no idea how late bc the higher aboves don't think its important to set out a timeline for things, they kinda just say hey, we need u later than ur reg time today and then u say yes or no and then u don't know anything else like why or how or for how long - ok whatever

anyways

have a great day

love u

04-12-26

computah

how do I go outside but nobody perceive me

computah

how to cry on t

04-10-26

on this Monday my boss asked me to stick around and get some overtime to help with interviews. UGH

ok I need the $$$ so I can keep saving for my move but that's so annoying and that means I probably won't go to pinball ;(

04-09-26

only thinking about leaving

leaving my job

leaving the country

leavingggggg

let me OUT

if anyone has advice for breaking out of the matrix lemme know k

thx <3

I saw a TikTok of a lesbian who used to work corporate job (like me) and then left and bought a van and lives by the sea catching fish and making prints of her catch every day

I need a life like that

I was meant to be breathing salty air

messy hair

super duper tan

no real responsibilities besides keeping myself alive

creating

loving others

and myself

that's all im capable of and that's all I want to do anymore

--

my coworker and I were talking about how we both had scholarships for college when we were younger. mine was medical career scholarship which was supposed to take me all the way through becoming a surgeon (lore drop)

however I realized quickly that without parents to financially support me, even with a scholarship, there was no way I could do it. I had to quit my scholarship and I was extremely depressed and took a corporate job so I could survive this hellscape.

which turned into me thinking about how so many medical professionals I have visited are privileged rich white people who have never shared the kind of struggles I have been through. which leads me to think about those who are less privileged than myself. for example people who are visibly disabled, POC, unhoused etc.. and those medical professionals never shared a struggle with anyone like them either.

this creates a space where the people saving your life will lack empathy for you and even in 2013 when I was graduating EMT school, the fucking text book still said that POC don't feel pain as much as white people... in 2013.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! deadass it said that in a medical textbook.

its so sad and terrifying. because giving folks like me a real chance at becoming a nurse, a doctor, a PA, a surgeon would create an environment where people going through their worst or scariest days would have someone who actually understood them and have been in their shoes. someone who would truly be passionate about helping them on an entirely different level.

im not saying all rich white people are evil but...

anyways.

I had to rant about it a little bit more.

I guess in the end I can't even be mad about it. I hope that my spot went to someone who was deserving and caring and passionate. My life took me on a much different path and I am very happy with my life and the things that are coming up next.

xoxoXOXOXoxxoxoOxOX

04-08-26

working.....

my vacation for June was approved even tho I don't have enough pto rn and won't have enough pto then

my boss says "we don't usually allow unpaid time off" sorry what? am I in jail or something.. that makes absolutely no sense at all

so ur telling me that as a grown ass adult im not allowed to take time off from being here simply bc I haven't built up enough imaginary time off points LOL I will quit right now

wtf is wrong with americans

--

update, I have glasses now so im a glasses baddie

04-07-26

having a great hair day

slept like 16 hrs yesterday

--

to all my hopeless 20 somethings I, your transgender queer elder, have something to say

as cliche as it is, things do get better

the longer u live in ur body the more u find ways to show and share to people how to treat u but it really does all start with u

if ppl come into a mess of a car or house, they won't hesitate to leave their trash there. make yourself and ur environment a palace where ppl would be embarrassed to leave their trash or act a fool

u have to start by making the space around u beautiful and protect it with all ur might

u want a nicer house? treat the one u have as if it were the most expensive mansion in the world, clean it regularly, keep ur things organized, buy pretty things to put inside of it etc.

u want ur brain to feel better? make ur head a nice place to live first. go to therapy, feed urself whole foods (not the store, I just mean like real food don't eat Taco Bell for every meal). take ur meds on time and be consistent

u want life to feel less chaotic? build routines. make sure u stop staring at ur screens at least 1-2 hrs before a reasonable bed time, take walks at the same time every day, ride ur bike or whatever u like to do.. build routines!!!

u want more friends or deeper friendships? guess what.. u have to be the better deeper friend first

do u get what im saying?

the universe will gift u everything u want but u have to treat the things u have better first bc otherwise u will never get the better things.. u have to build trust in urself first by teaching ur brain that u can do these things. when u become the person u want to be, the things u want in exchange follow u directly. u will not find urself chasing those things anymore they will simply be attracted to u bc of who u are

as annoying as it is, i know it works bc I spent so much of my life not wanting to listen and not doing it. and guess what.. it sucked. I was lonely, or had flaky shitty friends. my body felt off all the time. I couldn't get my shit together to save my life. so then I started trying little by little. I improved each category as my capacity allowed.

now I am 31. and the first day I woke up as a 31 year old I realized, its finally tomorrow and I have everything I want.. and I didn't have to fight anyone. I didn't have to chase anything. I just became the person I always wanted to be and these things simply landed at my feet. how beautiful is that :)

you can do it too.

<3

04-06-26

incredible bday weekend

still in recovery

no pinball for me tn

love u

04-02-26

hello

its my last day of being 30

as of midnight (well really, 6am when I was born) ill be 31

my mother often told me the story of my birth

I was born in the hospital italiano of Mendoza arg

after several false alarms, my mother was finally kept at the hospital for birth

my grandma and my big sister were present as well as my grandfather

my father might have been there, but my mom has been beefing with him since I was 2 so she never included his presence in the story lol

anyways

my mother had not asked about my gender (no gender reveal)

she wanted it to be a surprise

ironically enough, the entire family felt that I would be a boy (foreshadowing?)

so my nursery had been set up with tender loving care with baby blue and yellow items

toys, a basinet with tulle draped around the top

and everyone who knew my mother was pregnant gifted her little boy outfits

perhaps we would all have been saved a lot of grief if we were all real cool about it and just went with the boy thing ya know

my big sister, being 10 years older than myself, was asked to choose my middle name

she chose sol - which means sun in spanish

my grandfather waited outside the hospital in his big metal car smoking cigars

my sister would run out to him every 10 minutes yelling "he's here he's here!!!"

my grandpa didn't believe her simply bc it had been hours of this

my mother finally got some rest and dozed off for a bit, just for me to wake her up and be born at 6am

my father says he cut my umbilical cord

crazy that they just let untrained people do that - seems ill advised in my opinion

and so I was born, a baby girl

everyone was so happy that I had come along now

my grandparents and my big sister was so happy she tells me that she wanted to have a little sister bc she wanted to play dolls and dress up

alas I was just a lump for a long time before I had a personality

by the time I was old enough to be dressed up and stuff by her, she was moving on to bigger and better things as she was a young teen

so my nursery still kept me happy and safe with the boy colors and my mother still dressed me in all the free boys clothes she got

and that was just the beginning of this crazy life for me

31 years. and I never thought I would even make it past high school.

I live for my friends who didnt, and those who couldnt

life is precious

and every year is a blessing

thank you all for being here with me <3

I am surrounded by incredible people

loving folx who care about me!

no complaints from this department

-bday boy

04-01-26

its officially my birthday month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be 31 on Friday lets gooooooo

a lot of folx did not come to the last pinball where I was passing out my invites ;( so if u didn't get one I will give u one later

ok love u bye

03-31-26

I don't want to play school administrator today guys

someone feel sorry for me

03-30-26

its my birthday week

but today I feel kinda low energy

I think I used all my cheer already

03-27-26

guys last night I went to the drag show at tschuss and it was actually SO INCREDIBLEEEEEE everyone needs to attend the next one

the queens were actually so impressive such high energy, the fits the wigs the flips and kicks were to die for

ive been to many many manyyyyy drag shows over the past decade+ but this was truly one of the best ones and there were only maybe 15/20 people in that basement. I had to remove myself after the first round so I wouldn't spend every dollar tipping them (plus it was a weeknight and I had to come to work today)

life is beautiful

I love art, I love to watch people express themselves and feel in tune with their own spirit

its the same reason I love poetry and music and acting

creativity puts us in charge of our own world and allows us to turn it into whatever we want

<3

03-26-26

its my nephews bday today and I didn't know until my tia told me in the fam gc

he is 1 yrs old yay good job lil guy sorry the world is on fire

no deep reflections today

thinking ab whether the way I feel is just that or if its influenced by the tiny dose of t I did on Saturday. I am so excited to do my next shot and keep going on this journey

work work working now

bye

--

not to brag guys but my life is so cool and fun and sexy and interesting

03-25-26

yesterday I shuffled my papers at work for hours and didn't really accomplish too much I am honestly feeling very checked out of work rn

all I can think about is how different my life will be within the year, and how I just want to hang out with my friends and my gf and the boy im dating

well im lowkey trying to have gf and a bf just bc it would be so cool and fun

you only live once right

that's why I can't work too much, there's just not enough time

I have taken a break from having something scheduled every day of my life. this week I purposely did not schedule anything and I have no plans until the weekend

I have slowed down, slept better, and tried to eat better although idk if that's really working so well but I do feel more well rested. with my bday coming up I want to feel ready and refreshed and energized to do all the socializing I can

my bday is on the first Friday of the month so we start with a bang and then celebrate the whole month that the world has been gifted me

yes im an aries

ok love u bye

03-24-26

guys its getting SO close to my bday

this is an invite to my birthday:

hello pls come to my birthday party on Saturday April 4th (my actual bday is April 3rd) we will meet at my house around 8 to pregame/carpool and night owl at 9. If u never been to my house just text me and ill tell u where it is. From there, we will just play it by ear but probably whatever places are the best and coolest and I just want to have a fun time with all my friends.

I have therapy today!

ok love u bye

03-23-26

second kiddo this year that takes their own life at the school district I work at

first t shot over the weekend

every person ive ever met was at tschuss

saw a show with my bestie at cbgb

been keeping up with my workout plan (shoutout ami)

trying a new yogurt this morning

grumpy cos im in pain and didn't sleep good last night

hello monday

--

update

I was extremely locked in at work today and got caught up on so many things. wow. I am a powerful capitalism machine today.

03-22-26

last evening (03/21) I did my first t shot <3

brain feels good body feels good

so happy

big smile

so many support

love u friends

spent all day with various ppl that I love.

good to be alive rn

<33

03-20-26

u cannot be my friend if u r not pure of heart I will sniff it out and kick u out

picked up my t u guys!! on Saturday around 2pm I will do my first t and if u wanna b there then come to my house I need all the trans support I can get thx

the lady at the pharmacy was so rude and mean to me and I cried in my car after but I got my stuff so fuck her

tonight me and my homeboy will be out on the town so hide ur girlfriend and boyfriend

love u so much bye

03-19-26

life is good

im in love

03-18-26

boss musta been bored at home cos she came in today to dick around I guess

never understood ppl that would rather be at work than anywhere else????

like u r on spring break GO AWAY or give me ur time off and ill leave and u can finish my stuff for me instead

I am working project she gave me, she says lemme review incase I want to change something

I said well I hope not bc its 50% done already

she says well I thought I would get to see it before...

ma'am bffr

ok also im so hungry might take my lunch break early

03-17-26

need to lock in and finish my entire spring break project today at work so I can just chill the rest of the week

lots of construction happening in the office hard to focus

many weird noises and strange men

don't like that too much can't wait for it to be over

don't wanna do the work but need to

locking in...

update @ 3pm

sadly I did not lock in today guys

only locked into my virtual drs appts

but I am going to officially be on t soon

and I am back in therapy

yay life is good

and maybe ill get my work done tomorrow :)

03-15-26

living my life in several parts at the same time

03-13-26

hi its so windy outside today wtf

gotta get some real work done today since yesterday I didn't really do anything at work

rock climbing later

my bestie is going to join us! yay

guys my work crush is getting out of control

<3

03-12-26

its actually ridiculous and homophobic that I have to work every day

I need time off to just be a little fairy

anyone wanna give me a ton of money so I can just do that instead

will cook for u

03-11-26

banana honey parfait for breakfast yum

icy cold water

coffee

hopefully I don't meet anyone that makes me want to yell today

happy wednesday <3

03-10-26

happy tuesday

first appt with my new therapist today im excited!!

not sure where we will even start, I haven't had a new therapist in a long time

I have been in therapy for many years and my last therapist booked up all the way while I had no insurance so I couldn't go back to him which is such a shame but oh well

my coworker keeps venting to me about her horrible abusive bf and I keep telling her she needs to leave. am actually highly concerned about her fr.. I hope she listens to me. I have actually helped ppl escape abusive situations too many times to count and while its nice to help its so weird the mental gymnastics people go through in those situations

anyways life is pretty good still, any day above 70 degrees makes me want to be alive so that's good news. I feel that my inner world is becoming calmer and better each day. I heard someone somewhere say that the way you react to things in life speaks volumes about your inner world, and I find it to be so true.

my inner world is calm, grounded, level headed (for the most part) and I do think that shows in the way I conduct myself in my everyday life.

my coworker feeding me vitamin d pills lets go!

on Friday im going back to climbing.. oy vey I hope it goes well!

ok love u bye <3

03-09-26

had a great weekend, found a new therapist

03-07-26

if ur reading this i seriously love u

having gay guy music video time with my hair wrapped up in a plastic bag (protein treatment for curls)

my dog laying next to me

cool rainy breeze enters through the window

waiting for my best friend to come up and have lunch

later on i’ll hang out with a beautiful girl

and i have nothing to complain about

life is so beautiful and perfect

wow

03-06-26

guys wtf my life is so freaking amazing and im so happy

03-05-26

phases of queer dating in no particular order

pls lemme know what im missing

-1st date

-1st 48hr/72hr date

-gifts (flowers, chocolate, art w/e)

-making playlists

-making art of/for one another

-eventually merging into one person

there are some parts of queer dating which I quite enjoy and others which I no longer subscribe to. my experience of queer dating has been thorough and very different each time but I think I have done most of the things on the list.

wbu?

03-04-26

great to wake up, great to drive miss kay

great to have beautiful friends

and my body works the way I need it to

im taking care of myself

im feeling good

im so thankful

I love u!

03-03-26

3:33 on 3/3

life moves entirely too quickly and too slowly all at the same time

realizing that this paradoxical view of things so black and white are always both right at the same time. always right and always wrong

u get what I mean?

ok see ya <3

03-02-26

I want to write in there all of my thoughts and life happenings but I feel it would expose me too much. although I will tell u in person if u ask,

life is good but damn the universe is such a fucking bitch sometimes

she gives me everything I ever wanted and needed but won't ever let me hang on for very long, and even if I am upset I also know this is because each time this happens there is something even greater on the other side

I challenge myself to think and and wonder, how could it be even better than this? I wished for these things for so long, manifested and worked for them for so much time. I am here now

in the present i rejoice and mourn, what an incredible combination

life is full of grieving life is full of celebrations

life is full

crying feels good, sex feels good, food feels good

I am in heaven, this is the good place

<3

03-01-26

having lots of fun!

02-28-26

chicago was great

love dorothy’s

food was yum

flicked chicagos bean

time for the train home soon!

02-25-26

yes folks inesisneverfar and I are taking the town tomorrow

we are so fortunate that fridays chi forecast is 60 yipee

friday is both my telehealth appt for transing my gender and renewing my passport wow

work doesn't feel so bad when u have a 4 day weekend coming the next day so im straight chillin at job today

dinner with ami last night I made gnocchi with my secret Italian sauce recipe (its not that secret I can give u the recipe if u want it) then I read their tarot and it was epic. love reading tarot for ppl who appreciate the craft

life is so good soooo goooood

im a slut for a voice note if u wanna talk to me just send a voice note I will def listen to it asap & keep it forever.

ok love u bye bb

02-24-26

its tuesday.

making boy food for the homie hang later tn. gay movie and boy food!! Yay

thank u to everyone who barked for me at pinball when I wore my "bark for me" shirt will def be purchasing more command shirts just to see how far y'all will go

all who bark will get to autograph my t shirt

ok gotta get back to the capitalist sacrifice

ttyl xoxox

02-23-26

writing in my niche blog instead of doing all the work stacked up on my desk

classic

it was a really restful and energizing weekend. spent time with people that I really love yesterday and it feels so nice to start out the week with that feeling stored warmly in my chest

why did it get so cold all of a sudden? there is even flurries going on outside wtfff

I need to be more productive cause I am off Thursday and Friday to go to Chicago which will also be so very very cold but I will be with my good friend flounder user inesisneverfar <3

hope everyone has a great week

k love u bye xoxo

--

hi its still Monday and I have to tell you that the BEST yogurt ever is the greek yogurt from aldis the honey greek yogurt and its so yummy and smooth and delicious that I want to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

02-22-26

good morning flounder, its 7:33am and im awake bc Sofia had to pee now I can't go back to sleep. i started cleaning my room and putting my stuff away, it feels nice to have my space clean and organized <3

thinking about taking Sofia to the pet cafe but unsure if my energy levels will last bc I am going skating later this evening.

ate too much candy and stayed up late, my 12 year old self was so excited last night.

ok love u hope ur having a good weekend

<33

02-20-26

woke up felt like I was dying

took double dose of allergy med and took off work

was kinda eyeballing taking a sick day for a while, I think I picked a great one tbh.

the adhd med saga continues. I was sold a 90 day dose of 2x my prescription so double the regular dose (incorrectly) and they won't take it back plus they are capsules so I cannot just take half. fml

Sofia seems to be ill, got her some pain meds & she has an appt on Monday.

so glad I am feeling a bit better so I can still go out to eat tn, and then roller skating tomorrow :)

<3

02-19-26

time flies by so fast, work is getting busy, procrastinating my long list of tasks by updating flounder instead

love my friends and the community I have built around myself. the people I gravitate towards are a reflection of myself and my inner world.

having a hard time reading anything lately.

missed the window to pick up my adhd meds and had to re-order them. classic. now im procrastinating getting them again. also classic.

gotta do grocery store again wtf why can't the food just be at my house already?

Chicago next week so many new spots I want to eat at. excited to renew my docs and have them in my hand again.

my car that was totaled a million years ago is finally getting paid off by the insurance on Friday (wow took freaking long enough)

ok gonna go work now even tho my tummy hurts (dw as always, I am vvvv brave)

what's something u always procrastinate?

</3

02-18-26

surprised by the hot ppl who think im hot

can we all talk about how hot everyone is more often please

feeling so gender as my hair grows out into the most perfect slightly curly mulletish situation

made my appt to start t

thinking of having a small gathering of transgenders as I ceremonially begin this path when I get my first prescription

so much hope for hoe summer '26

gonna get ripped w my pal and have so much t boi swag

wanna feel my muscles? <-- me to everyone who is super hot when I get my first muscle

ummm life is pretty good tbh. can't complain. how r u?

ok luv u ciao

02-17-2026

feelings so many things. feeling complicated.

02-14-2026

happy valentines day flounder

I spent the morning hung over and going back out to Mardi Gras with my best friend and his fiancé. it was drizzly and cold af. once my feet and legs got wet, the autism sensory overload killed my vibe and I headed home.

I did get to eat lots of party snack and drink some beers though and hang out with my bestie! yay! (my bestie and his fiancé actually asked me to be their valentine it was so cute lol)

ive been reflecting today upon all the love in my life

my friends are the highest form of love in the world. without my friends I am nothing. they build me up, encourage me, hype me up when im down, believe in me and make me the person I am.

you all have helped me heal trauma of many forms. you've taught me its ok to be seen trying even when you're not good at something and its ok nobody shoots u with gun. my anxieties are calmed when I reach out to you. I am seen, understood, cared for, and nurtured by the friends that I have had the great fortune to find.

I have learned to be more selfless and more empathetic. ive learned to be more patient and see different points of view.

each year I feel that I have the best friends ive ever had in my life and each year I am right.

thank you for loving me!!! thank you for being who you are and sharing your life with me. there's nothing in this world I love more than you.

<3<3xoxoxoxo

02-13-26

as a collective, I feel that we can all agree

life is worth living rn

magic in the air this friday

-sausage biscuit from my coworker for breakfast (thx Steve)

-3 day weekend

-awesome plans with all my bestest friends

-beautiful girl likes me back

-wow

-leaving work early today

-64 degrees on Monday

like I don't think I could be any happier or excited for the weekend

then next weekend its chi town with Ines LETS GOooooOoo

lately life feels so nice and im so happy bc the winter was really brutal as always. I tried my best to stay upbeat and continue to do activities instead of just being cold and isolated.

I can't freaking wait for it to be warm enough to camp and get in the lake. that will be a whole other level of freaking zen. shrooms in the lake summer!!!!

anyways who wants to go camping? lets go back to sam a baker?

<333

have a lovely day friends I love u so much

02-12-26

aqui no hay errores

equivocarse es bonito

hace mucho tiempo no agarro a nadie de la mano

...

I think I bruised my foot bone can that happen? it hurts.

not much to say. work work work

--

oh hi Im just realizing that im a good person and I do deserve good things and not everything in the world is a trap. good people exist and I deserve to be around them and befriend them and love them and then I even deserve for them to love me back too. crazy revelation.

02-11-26

worrrrrrrrrrrrrk ugh

like having a job is ok but every day seems a bit excessive rite?

im tired and I just want to relax and chill and like live my life without the time and money restraints of capitalism. its so evil

ok bye

<3

Update: UGH meetings

02-10-26

is life real

am I even normal

late pinball last night

so much fun<3

5 beers no dinner

02-09-26

weekend was so good and also a lil dramatic

so Friday I went rock climbing with a lovely girl I am dating

it was so fun and I was literally sore after cos I had never rock climbed before but I am actually pretty decent at it, I think. I would definitely like to go back and keep trying it. we went back to her place after and she made me homemade pizza wow so nice <3 I love pizza (and girls)

Saturday I hung out with some pals while one of them got their first E injection!! incredible celebratory time there. it was so beautiful and sunny outside we sat out front of the apartment and shared a cigarette - beautiful bonding moments.

later on I helped my friend move his fiancee into their new house, and this continued on Sunday. once we finished (just in the nick of time) we went to the new house and watched the Super Bowl halftime show BENITO BOWL BABY

I could write a thousand pages on all the symbolism in that performance. I was crying screaming and throwing up the whole time. Representation really matters so much tbh. I was amazed and gagged at every turn. Young Miko, Cardi B, Pedro Pascal, all at the casita with Bad Bunny, the stores he chose to place on the set, the way everything was in Spanish. He looked at the camera and said that he was there because he simply believed in himself and that you should believe in you too.

Also behind the last scene the billboard said the only thing stronger than hate is love. He is so right. I struggle with being loving to people who hate, and I don't think its right to give people passes and passes once and again to continue to hurt you and create a false narrative about latinos as a whole. just like with anyone else we are not a monolith. however I understand his point and I will try to be the bigger person when I feel capable to do so.

the kid sleeping on the chair, the couple getting married, the football that said we are all American, I could go on forever. It's incredible how much they packed into such a short time. Hearing Ricky Martin and latin music on the halftime show was mind-blowing. Bad Bunny truly did such an incredible job I was awe struck.

anyways im so excited for pinball tonight guys see u there <3

02-06-26

ok so I called vet to schedule my Sofia for a tooth cleaning and they were like um... Sofia is still alive?? (on the basis that she got a leukemia diagnosis in September '25) I was like umm ya.. so then the vet now wants to redo all the very expensive testing ($1200) all over again bc they said that her being alive still is not compatible with the diagnosis.

I am happy to know that they were wrong but my pockets are not happy and also wtf they told me my dog was going to die and now they are just like "oops sorry that's not right after all my bad" ... bruh

facepalm emoji

02-05-26

good day today work was easy and chill, I won a cute hat at the Super Bowl work party which I only went to bc it was an excuse to not have to work for about 2hrs

been talking with my friends more, trying not to isolate myself. recently realized a few of my friends who I thought were my friends maybe are not really my friends :/ sad but tbh happens from time to time bc autism

however I have to applaud my own growth regarding friendships, before I was sure of myself and prior to experiencing real true friends I always tried to fit in where I didn't. I tried to get ppl who didn't like me or get me to be my friends and that self abandonment is so intense and hard to figure out

now in my 30s, at least I can finally tell if someone doesn't actually want to be around me or be my friend. its strange to me that people are not straight up about those things. if I ever ask u to hang out and u don't want to ever hang out with me pls just say that I would be much more thankful for honesty than for veiled attempts at being friends that never really come to fruition

bc of this specific phenomenon and several others of being autistic, being autistic esp as an adult & being socialized as a woman, can be extremely lonely! its one of the reasons I love pinball so much. not only is it a safe space but people are honest and welcoming. I have made many friends through pinball that I would have probably never met otherwise.

either way I have some super fun stuff coming in the next few weeks and I am excited. this weekend I will be helping my bestie to pick out some new stuff for his new house and we are going to make dinner with his gf. I have also made a habit of visiting the pet cafe with my pup since she can't spend too much time outdoors rn due to the cold. I will also be going rock climbing pray for me cos im scared of heights.

ummm ok that's all I got folks love u

02-04-26

here to report that I survived grocery store however they were out of dog food but I did get human food, and I will have to return so I can feed my fur child

feeling pretty good yesterday and today but I forgot to go get my adhd meds lol the irony cos ppl think we will misuse it when I can barely remember to pick it up much less actually take the damn meds

looking forward to this weekend ill get to see my lovely friends and bad bunny will perform at the Super Bowl

sadly I heard that ic3 was spotted near Chippewa arresting someone :( what are we going to do about this stl? we have to get organized..

02-03-26

miss kay is at the mechanic today, im anxious for them to call me and tell me what's going on. hopefully it will cost me $0.00 to fix her

came to work on the bus, which reminded me I should be so happy and thankful to have a car esp right now that its winter and snowy slushy cold.. I miss the spring and summer soooooooo freaking much

I miss camping, and skinny dipping, taking my dog on long long walks, hanging out at the park with a j and wearing much less clothes than what I have to wear rn. from the first moment it is above 75, I am in pure bliss tbh. dreaming of the day it comes back... love u sun <3

I really enjoy the warmth of summer. when I was a little kid I always wanted to live somewhere where it snowed so I could build snowmen and do snow angels like the movies but after living in stl for so long and now having to deal with this weather as an adult (driving in it) I decided its not my favorite

I have been avoiding grocery store so much lately but now my dog is almost out of food and I will have to face the evils of the fluorescent lights and top 40 being blasted through the cereal aisle.. pray for me.

02-02-26

miss kay (my '02 Subaru) is due for a visit to the car dr everyone pray for her

I am so excited about pinballs anniversary tn! see u all weirdos there!!

back at work, working.

congrats to @petethecat on your new job u deserve it friend

has such a good weekend hanging out with my friends and doing stupid stuff I wish it was always the weekend

<3

02-02-26

it’s pretty late but i’m still awake thinking about the lovely date i went on tn after not dating for so long.. we are so back

01-30-26

reflecting on life, how much and how often it has changed, the crazy stuff I have been through and the crazy things I am yet to go through

the fact that the audacity exists means perhaps I should embody it myself more often and be radically unapologetic about pursuing everything I ever wanted

things are only embarrassing if you are embarrassed and you get to choose if u are or not

cooking and food and science about cooking and food are LITERALLY my lifelong obsessions. I cannot go a single day or moment without thinking about it, researching it, or doing it. how did it take me this long to realize I need that in my life as a constant?

I think I have struggled to be honest with my self at times and then sometimes I have realizations and im like BRUH to myself lol

lets goooo chi town trip!!! im trying to be excited but can't deny my apprehension with ic3 being around Chicago & esp near consulates which is where I am going...

helped a family this morning with my spanish and it Feels So Good™ but as much as I love helping ppl I would rather be doing it with food than words

food transcends anything and everything. it connects literally every being in existence

how can anything be more universal than that. its inspiring and incredible

my heart glows at the thought of this

PLEASE tell me your favorite food you ever had but I want to know the whole story and emotional background lore. u can text me or whatever or tell me in person ok? ok

love u bb

<3

01-28-26

hi guys we are back in the office today :( the past two days were "wfh" but like, there is not really much I can do from home for my job

I am still feeling kinda sick. deleted more social medias but had to get one back for work stuff. I don't have the app on my phone tho, so I will not be sucked into spending half my life on iPhone

I am wearing 37 layers of warm stuff in the office and it feels nice

my head kinda hurts and my tummy hurts but I am being extra brave about all of it

I am actually glad to be at work kinda cos I was getting a bit stir crazy in the house for so long. I was starting to feel like the shining without the haunts

ok have a good day love u

UPDATE-

dear diary,

remember the Adams family?

hot take: Gomez is actually a transmasc OR possibly a butch and then Morticia is def a lipstick lesbian or a doll. c'monnnnnn

that's all

01-26-26

my body does not like this cold i was not built for this!!! my neck and back hurt, i did some stretches yesterday and today but it kinda feels like that dull ache u get when u have the flu and i wonder if maybe im getting the flu

i really hope not cos im done with being inside i wish the snow and ice all melts and we can all play outside together

update- I am really sick and hating life can't fathom eating any food my body is just full of medicine rn. my dog girl has been the best nurse, laying her cute little head on my chest and snuggling me. I love her so much

I don't think ill go to work tomorrow cos I doubt ill be better by the time I wake up but I guess you never know

01-25-2026

they have called tomorrow a snow day already for work! yay!

snow is deep, my street has not been plowed at all. seems like they always miss streets, modot is so inefficient.. ic3 has killed another innocent bystander..

I have been inside as much as possible except when I take Sofia outside to potty. for a dog with no insulation she sure does love the snow. she will run around like a crazy dog until her feet start getting too cold and then come tell me to unfreeze them. adorable

I cleaned my room, made homemade chicken pot pie. filled out some paperwork I had been procrastinating on. my space feels so open and bright, and then at night it's all swirly lights and puppy snuggles. wow love it <3

I miss going outside without the wind hurting my face. I miss spring and summer. My birthday is spring (April) and im actually pretty excited for this year :)

1st year of my 30s has been incredible!! and terrifying but mostly I still have hope so that's nice.

ok love u stay warm

**

01-22-26

I have a weekend full of plans and now I find out that its going to be snowing the whole time UGH

I don't like to be cold, and I try to keep from driving in any level of snow. guess I will go grocery shopping and just huddle up in my house mostly, unless they are wrong about snowmaggedon.

I can't wait for the winter to end. I like the cold but not when it interrupts my life lol

I want to be on a beach sometime this year, hopefully sooner rather than later.

01-21-26

work is starting to get busy and its bittersweet, I guess maybe it will make the day go by faster but then I have to actually use my brain juice.

I just want to drink my coffee at my desk, and read my book. I think there are jobs where you get to just read books right? Like maybe an editor, publicist, or librarian? pls lemme know if u do these jobs.

I can't figure out what I really want to be when I grow up. Like occupation wise? I know I want to be comfortable, at peace, happy, friendly, safe. Is there a job where that can be my job?

Me anytime I am approached at work: pls don't make me do stuff pls don't make me do stuff I don't wanna do stuff :(

update: they are actually asking me to work at work.

01-20-26

another day another few dollars

tonight ill go see my besties new house, he is all moved in and has put a ton of work into painting and arranging his space, I am so excited to see it!

its literally so freaking cold wtf omg. also will be even COLDER this weekend if u can believe it.

I wish I could spend the day at the beach just tanning and hearing the ocean sounds. No one else, just me and the water & sand. I can see myself laying on a beach towel, bikini, sunglasses, and waiting until my skin gets hot to the touch to enter the ocean and then repeat the cycle again. I could live that way for all of eternity.

can I apply somewhere to live that version of my life?

I am reading Famous Last Words. I am barely at the beginning so if you've read it, please no spoilers.

I wish it had not been so frigid last night but since it was I could not bring myself to go outside for pinball, sorry guys. Once spring hits and I don't turn into an ice cube immediately when stepping outside I plan to be at all the pinballs.

Ok love u bye <3

01-19-26

today Fia and I got back from glamping. I really missed my bed, my things, my cool lights in my room and my minis.

I realized I kind of did a poor job planning and packing for my trip lol. now I have learned for next time. probably helps if you plan and pack more than a few hours in advance of your trip ya know

after a solid few weeks of no social media anymore, I am becoming someone who is not in the highest screen time on iPhone club anymore wow!

things I have noticed - I do stuff cos I want to, I enjoy things in the moment more, some ppl have completely deleted them selves from my life cos we never talked except for on social media. the phone sucks me in much less these days

I actually get bored sometimes which I think is really good for me. my brain can focus better now and for longer periods of time. I feel like I can process things and understand them better too

I am not saying I have become a genius, just less dumb

easier to focus on my goals, to make genuine connections with people who actually talk to me (instead of random strangers that DM me or like my stuff)

my goals are bubbling on the front burner instead of being forgotten on the back burner

and we are only in January! im excited what kind of effects continuing to remain off of social media will have for me. I am excited!

today I worked on my minis, did all my laundry, cleaned my room and unpacked from my trip. made some yummy salmon croquettes for lunch for the week at work. snuggled my Sofia, deep cleaned my bathroom and took the worlds most longest hottest relaxingest shower ever.

now I am cozy in my bed but I could really use a snack, just haven't decided what kind of snack yet...

ok love u <3

01-18-26

yeah so I had forgotten to take my meds yesterday and it made me feel so grumpy about everything.

today was lovely I made a fire again and this time I cooked some salmon and share dit with Sofia, she loved it! it turned out so yummy the skin got super crispy on the grill yummmm

we took a drive around to see the grounds a little and then some lady knocked on the door like a friggin c0p to see if I wanted more snacks, which I did not and she interrupted our nap but its ok bc then that made me get out of bed

Sofia barked like a crazy person

I though she would really love the woods but she's actually so scared of the dark LOL I tried to take her out to potty after the sun had set and she refused to leave the porch

hopefully there wasn't something in the woods that I didn't see, but then we just came inside

I forgot my phone charger, so no phone for me just my laptop.

I got my new laptop with me and I love it soooo much

it was overall a very chill day with my baby dog and tomorrow we return home :)

01-18-26

12:28AM

hello fellow flounderers,

I come to you from the very uncomfortable bed inside the cabin I paid too much money to stay at! My dog sleeps calmly at my feet, wrapped in the worlds softest purple blanket while I type to you by candlelight (*small lamp)

I love watching the outdoor boys on YouTube and if you've paid any attention to all the times I've mentioned it (once last year) you would know that about me.

so because I was heavily influenced by my love for watching the channel, I decided to book this glamping getaway for myself and my daughter. boy oh boy I was so excited.

ok so maybe that came off a little more grumpy than I wanted it to be, I am actually having a nice time its just that its SOOOO cold and it took me AGES to freaking light the fire because the wood was frozen cold, and the lighter was sitting a cold cabin and didn't want to light.

then I went into my bag and thank god I recently bought a new lighter so then I finally got the fire going and charred up some brats on ye olde grille

yum yum and Sofia got to poop in the woods, as any dog should!! as well as sniff to her hearts contentment but then her ears were frozen so I sent her inside

I smoked only one cigarette and had only one drink - actually I think I left it outside.

ive come to the conclusion that I am doing the same stuff I do at home, just not at home LOL. in the past, I guess, I had not turned my house into a home and because of that, getaways just seemed so nice!

I am realizing how much I enjoy my space when being away from it. This is only about the second time in my life I have ever felt "homesick"

wow

how lovely to have a place one longs for so much that it makes you "sick"

and I long for my very much more comfortable mattress than this one, my fireplace set at the right temperature, a shower that doesn't run out of hot water in 5 minutes!

Ok OK sorry Im done complaining

thanks,

and I had such a lovely morning with James - I love you, thank you for sharing your birthday hours with me. <3

and I love my friends so much .. you guys.. what would I do without you!!

ran into my crush at the bar last nightttt

and oh my god she's so cute, and smart, and beautiful and she loves the same things I do and sometimes I feel like a 13 year old again when I talk to her (in the best way)

that giddiness and excitement of meeting someone who you're so attratcted to but at the same time they are interested in you and enjoy your company.. oh mama

right then so I guess I have one more sleep here at the lovely cabin and Sofia and I are going to make the best of it

have you seen house of 1000 corpses.. I just watched it at night by myself in the middle of the woods.. goodness does it get dark around here. you can see the stars extremely clearly though, and I did tarot under the stars that was amazing

I have so many more things I wish to share but we will leave it at that and I kind of want to stay up all night watching movies!!!

kiss kiss hug hug big kiss little kiss big hug

01-15-2026

evil chin pimple won't go away and it hurts ;(

this weekend is glamping with my baby dog

life feels weird

cause of everything going on with IC3 around us.. literally kidnapping folks

like wtf..

but at the same time I am making plans for my future and the things I want to do

in a lot of ways I feel kind of guilty bc im living my life and there are people who don't get to anymore

in other ways, I kind of owe it to any immigrants out there who didn't get to finish their plans to finish my own and to thrive regardless of what these weirdo n@zis think of us

so I think I will hang on to that feeling as much as I can and use it as encouragement

the atmosphere is weighing heavily around me but joy and resistance is required

<3

01-11-26

11:02pm

not sure whats happening in my head

i feel a bit detached from reality

i feel so stressed out in a way ive never felt before

i am feeling so many things at once

what is going on

i feel so strange

time is weird and i cant believe i have to work tomorrow

how are all these worlds existing in the same timeline

i feel like i am watching myself be lifted out of my body does anyone know what i mean

anyways

this weekend was nice, i hung out with my pal and went out dancing even tho it was sooo cold. it was crowded at the bars and stuff

a girl i have a crush on and i danced together, she is soooo cute but she is also now the ex of an acquaintance. would it be wrong to pursue her? my moral standing about these things is often challenged by lesbian & queer norms

not having social media genuinely makes me feel like i am living under a rock!!! i deleted facebook and instagram and now i feel like i never know what is going on -- i guess i gotta reach out to my pals more and get in touch

i am a fan of texting, reading/writing simply because my auditory processing disorder makes it quite hard to have phone conversations so i dont speak with people on the phone often

ok so then after the bars we had taquitos and watched duck dynasty, dont judge me ok i do love that show

i went to bed and my friend left

sunday morning my best friend asked me to come to the botanical gardens bc he was proposing to his girlfriend (how sweet and she said yes and the ring is gorgeous it is a red stone in a coffin cut wowowowow)

they are an amazing couple of ppl and i am so happy they found each other and want to commit to one another in this way <33

went and got some pastries at one of my fave spots (as a self proclaimed foodie should i post all my fave local spots?) and then went home to wait for same best friend from proposal to come and help me fix the sink in my bathroom. and by help i mean he did it and i watched heated rivalry

after that i did some research on some things i have been hyperfocused on, did a quick meal prep, and began cleaning out things from my closet that i have just been dumping stuff into for the past two years

there was a lot of old paperwork and i will soon have many books that i would like to give people. pls lemme know if u wanna take a gander at the collection. lots of culinary books, some self help, nonfiction stuff thats what i like to read

this is so long are u still reading?

ok and then i snuggled with my dog, and her and i have been very snuggling lately its quite lovely i love my dog so much forever

ok so writing stuff down in flounder is starting to feel quite grounding perhaps this is why i have literally 3 journals i write in every single day (including flounder as one)

right then so ill see you at pinball tomorrow?

xoxox

01-09-26

another day at the capitalism factory

reading a thriller/murder mystery book now and its pretty good so far. would love to be able to write a good one like this.

need to ask boss question but she tends to be so drawn out I hesitate.

ummmm yeah ok bye

01-08-26

idk how ppl can concentrate at work or with anything when our g0vernment is ex3cuting ppl in broad daylight for no reason... I don't even know how to feel

nobody talks about it except my other friends who are brown or immigrants

wh!te folx don't seem to gaf unless it affects them directly

will anything ever be fucked up enough for us to revolt?

01-07-26

i was not doing ok yesterday but i think i figured it out

i cant find my freaking medicine and i have an appt in a few weeks to see how its working but how can it work when i cant find it

always hoping tomorrow will be better

always trying my best to make it better

my brujeria is developing and growing and i am being called to new things. going to the botanica later today or maybe tomorrow

got car checked yesterday. miss kay had to get an oil change and her radiator flushed (whatever that means) but she noticeably was driving better immediately after so i guess she really did need it

hate that men at the mechanic always try to scam me :( but thats what i get for going somewhere close and convenient instead of the usual shop i go to where its all women [will not make that mistake again]

i was in a funky mood yesterday. i am determined to be better and feel better today if i have any control over it :)

ok love u have a good day <3

01-06-26

arguing with my own brain

took my meds on an empty stomach, just like I was told not to do bc the alternative was not taking them at all

I feel like I did the right thing but I am certainly suffering for it

it makes my heart race and my stomach feel swirly and burn-y

it makes me feel anxious so I just keep telling myself

"I am safe im ok and im doing a good job" and that really does help

it also help to write about it too

im reading the book We Could Be Rats by Emily Austin bc Emma said it was good

so far it is, although a bit sad

I've been reading a lot since the past couple of months when I realized that libby is not blocked on my work computer

my dog girl and I are going on our first solo glamping trip soon and im so freaking excited. as someone who has had suic!dal ideations and tendencies throughout my life - my therapist told me that having things to look forward to help and like, wow she might actually be correct about that

I feel like I really need to get back into therapy but I am procrastinating finding one cause like UGH I have to go through and explain everything again and then I intellectualize things and am very self aware so most therapists don't even know how to work with me to actually help me.. I need someone who can help me and I don't want to waste my time. my dr recommended better help but that app is hell ive heard so many horror stories. im pretty sure they don't even do background checks on the people who register as "therapists" on there.

there was a true crime episode about better help on my favorite podcast (crimejunkie) about a therapist who manipulated her patient to fall in love with her, quit her job, and move across country just for the "therapist" to disappear and ghost the girl when she got to her city!!! im shocked the app hasn't been completely shut down tbh.

ok well thanks for reading

love ya

<3

01-05-26 (morning)

hi I came to work. go me

01-05-26 (midnight)

its currently 1222 am and i am not sleeping and i have to work tomorrow (wake up@6am) spent all day nursing a horrible hangover but still got shit done

took fia on a vey long walk

diner with my friend <33

wall in my house was painted [not by me]

ummmm ok i guess i should go to sleep...

thinking about calling in sick tomorrow

01-02-26

trying to accept that this season of my life is not one for romantic love

friend love, self love, figuring out my life - yes yes yes

I think a lot of my life has been consumed by hoping and waiting and wishing and I want this season to be more actionable on my part.

don't get me wrong, ive taken a lot of action in my life that's gotten me to where I am presently. I took action to move out of my mothers home, to move out of Texas, out of bad relationships.. out of here and out of there

what if I made an effort now to go in to spaces I want to be in? this is a new concept to me and I am learning to do it

what do I want? well I never really considered it too much. ive been in so many situations where I knew that I did NOT want to be in and I think that changes your brain chemistry.

last year I started attending pinball club (thank god) and poker club (meh) but the further I get from the life I thought I would live, the closer I get to reaching my dreams and living for my own desires

I don't spend so much time thinking if I am selfish or how everyone else will feel about my decisions. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. what matters is that I can look around me and not be filled with sadness or regret at the conditions ive created for myself.

I certainly cannot subscribe to an existence that is just "away from the bad" I would like to pursue an existence that is toward the good that I want.

im allowed to want

im allowed to worship my own desire and follow it.

ill be doing just that!!!

01-01-2026

Happy new year my friends!

I love you all so much.

Starting with a clean slate here for 2026.

I have so many plans for this year, usually I kind of just let things happen however they will but I cannot do that this year bc I need to take control of many things.

Control has always been a struggle for me. Anxiety. Fear of failure.

I don't want these to continue to be themes in my life. So I will no longer let them be.

Hope you are having a great day <3

Its a bit chilly but I am considering taking my baby dog to the park later if we both bundle up really well. She has the cutest red sweater with Rudolph on it and he has a fluffy red nose.

I spent new years at my best friend Lucas' house. We were all together and eating a lot of food and played fun card games. I was overstimulated bc there were a lot of strangers but I just sat back for a while and watched the game unfold, for me it was equally as fun lol.

My bestie made ropa vieja (literally translates to "old clothes") but it is a dish consisting of very tender shredded beef with a light tomato based gravy served over rice. I made some delicious sweet potato casserole to go with it. YUMM I ate until I felt like I would burst.

At midnight, I had cash in both my pockets so this year will be a fruitful one when it comes to my income. I also threw lentils up over my own head for prosperity, abundance, money, and good fortune in the new year.

Shortly after the clock hit midnight I headed back to my home to be with my doggie and snuggle up in my bed by the fireplace.

I am scared of what needs to happen in the new year and the changes that are coming in every way, but at the same time so excited for these things to unfold. Next year I will be in a new place in my life.

I love my friends, I am so grateful for my life and my ability to always push through everything and come out winning.

I don't want my life to be a "push through" all the time kind of life though and I am working on that.

<33